Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Why can’t Britons learn to stay inside when it’s cold??

As the latest cold snap brought Britain to yet another standstill, anger was growing over the country's inability to just say “sod this for a game of soldiers” stay in and watch loads of DVDs.

The travel chaos was described as an “all too predictable” repeat of February this year when millions of people once again failed spectacularly to sit around eating big bowls of crisps and stuff.

As 750,000 cars were abandoned near Bristol and Manchester airport used attack dogs to thin-out its check-in queues, experts stressed they were making a fresh pot of tea and deciding between Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, the TJ Hooker box-set and season five of Desperate Housewives.

Professor Colin Leadswing, director of the Institute for Studies, said: "Not going outside when it snows can seem complicated to the average layman. You could try pretending there's a flesh-eating zombie vampire snowman on the other side of your front door, because you know what? Your pointless job will still be there when it melts.

He went on to add. "You see, Mother Nature, in her grace and wisdom, has once again presented us with the opportunity to watch even more television while shoveling savoury carbohydrates with the hand that is not rammed down the front of our jogging pants that was cold from holding beer. And yes, we are having a marathon drool over the girls from Fairview"

Prof Leadswing's deputy, Dr Tom Thumb, added: "If I 'lived' in Bristol, I'd never leave the effing house."

Last night local authorities admitted they used up their supplies of road grit in a series of equality and diversity workshops in August and whatever was left was used to fill small plastic bags that were then thrown at smokers stood outside office buildings.

A spokesman for the Met office said that “I work for the Met office and I’d just like to say that although we were wrong about the ‘barbecue summer’ and that snow ice and wintery conditions would never happen again due to global warming you should know we are always right about predicting the weather…errrrr…after we’ve looked out the window”

Meanwhile cross-Channel rail company Eurostar has apologised to passengers after dozens of innocent British trains were molested by French snow.

A spokesman said: "Our trains were not designed to cope with the sort of over-bearing, pervert snow you get in northern France.  They've been touched-up and they need time to heal. Just thank the stars it wasn't Italian snow!"

The company also warned that many of the British passengers stranded near Calais may now be too French to return to the UK.

The spokesman added: "The friend or relative that you thought you knew and loved may now be irredeemably Frenchified. Ask yourself do you really want them back?"

As told to Andy Baxter


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