Thursday, 19 November 2009

Family of brain-dead woman finally agree to switch off X Factor

A family from Bristol has taken the agonising decision to remove their matriarch, Mrs. W.C. Noremote, from the reality TV format that has been sustaining her Saturday and Sunday evenings. “It’s just not right to keep Wendy like this,” said her husband Ivan, who has kept a faithful vigil by her side since the audition rounds. “She has no quality of conversation, no hope of intelligent thought. We had hoped there were some signs of higher brain function when she appeared to express outrage at Jamie’s recent eviction last Sunday from the competition, but we quickly realised it was just a cumulative reflex reaction to Cheryls continued lack of dress sense.”

Doctors had initially hoped that Mrs. Noremote could be gradually weaned off the X-Factor and could enjoy a reasonable quality of life with specially adapted episodes of The Jeremy Kyle show. “However we quickly realised that the extent of the intellectual decline was just too severe, we needed drastic action” said Dr. Imra Krank, who led the team that pioneered the ground breaking antidote to ‘Katie and Peter yet another episode.’ ”

Her husband said “When she commented ‘do these people really think they can sing?’ in the audition rounds, we knew then she had lost the ability to contribute anything interesting. But by the time she remarked that ‘I think Simon has fixed it and some people just vote for the ones they like’ we knew any hope of her ever being engaging company again had long gone.”

Dr. Krank duly performed the channel switching procedure while her family were by her side on the sofa. Her family at first thought the procedure was a complete success given Mrs. Noremote’s initial reaction of a huge smile, an arm stretch, her pupils dilating, and her comment “switch the kettle on love” however it was quickly realised “we had failed” Dr. Krank said. She went on to add “we had no idea I’m a Celebrity get me out of here, was on the other channel.”

The Noremote family was being comforted at home last night as experts attempted to continue the channel-changing procedure that hopefully would bring an end to the family’s suffering. “The family asks that you respect their privacy at this difficult time,” said a tearful neighbour. “But by all means keep invading that of the X-Factor and I’m a Celebrity get me out of here, (don’t bother leave the lot there) hopefuls. It’s what Wendy would have wanted.”

as told to Andy Baxter

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