Mary Poppins banned from child minding!

Self styled ‘nanny’ Mary Poppins has today been served with a court order banning her from all child minding activities. Following the hearing, the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea’s Social Services department issued a statement outlining the reasons for the order.

“Ms Poppins, of no fixed abode, just flies in from who knows where, she has no recognised child care qualifications from any accredited organisation. Her previous employer, a Mr. Banks, raised a number of concerns with us including her administration of spoonfuls of an unidentified substance she called ‘medicine’ to children in her care, all of them laced with unhealthy amounts of sugar. The children spoke of flying up to the clouds for tea so we are carrying out tests to establish whether it may have been an opiate based drug administered to make the children more placid.”

The statement went on to list occasions on which Ms. Poppins left the children in the care of an unknown male, possibly a chimney sweep from the East end of London, who lacked the proper CRB checks and who may have led them to make unsupervised excursions to the East End. They were also exposed to other hazards, including a neighbour with access to high explosives and possible links to a terrorist organisation. The Health and Safety Executive are also looking into claims that the children were taken up onto roof tops without any safety equipment or a proper risk assessment being made.

As told to Andy Baxter