Child development specialists have today warned that Tory Party leader David Cameron exhibits all the hallmarks of a violence-deprived childhood during which he may not have received the appropriate number of playground beatings for someone from his privileged social background.
Current guidelines recommend that rich, upper-class children get their five-a-day of unprovoked blows to the head, at least three proper kicking’s a week, or a good ‘fagging’ at least once a month, to ensure they grow up to be properly adjusted adults with an accurate sense of their own worth.
“Cameron’s blend of smug self-assurance, empty rhetoric, false platitudes and broken promises can only be a result of his being under-bullied as a child,” said leading pediatrician Dr. Gonzlosttheplot today. “Just one look at his milky-white, red-cheeked face, shifty eyes and evasive body language and it’s clear that he hasn’t been punched anything like often enough or hard enough. Sure, he had a tough break being born into wealth, privilege, opportunity and a private education, but at the end of the day if our teachers aren’t turning a blind eye when an annoying posh kid gets beaten up, then what on earth are we paying them for?”
Concerns were raised after specialists spotted that Cameron’s steady flow of vacuous platitudes, shameless posturing, lies and broken promises was issuing from a symmetrical face boasting both an unbroken nose and perfectly whitened teeth. “How he’s survived so long without getting a real pummeling is beyond me” continued Dr. Gonzlosttheplot. “Our research has found no recorded instances of a request, from a privileged Eton and Oxford-educated aristocrat, to insisting ‘call me Dave’ not being answered with violence.”
Doctors are now concerned that as Cameron hasn’t had the crap beaten out of him anytime recently, if at all, it has started exiting his body through other orifices, most likely in the form of worthless policy announcements, and dissembling statements, or worse, unsolicited details about his personal life.
There are also fears that the condition, labeled victim-deficit disorder, may be rife in the Tory party, with observers agreeing that, as well as David Cameron; William Hague, George Osborne and Boris Johnson would all benefit enormously from being caught out in a “heated” exchange of opinions down the Nags Head and benefiting from some bar-room dentistry.
As told to Andy Baxter……..