Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Police 'Service' to be withdrawn

The Home Office announced today that it is withdrawing the police ‘service’ from the UK. The country is expected to be handed over to the forces of local militias, criminal elements and illegal immigrants as well as disorganised gangs of feral youths by the end of the year.

Chief Commissioner W. E. Bottledit explained: “Our primary concern is the safety of the local bobbies. The force is too small and ill-equipped to handle a dangerous place like the UK and our officers will be far happier dealing with diversity issues, gender awareness and minority group issues, as well as our latest initiatives; secretly following law abiding women who threaten unruly children in supermarkets with a smack AND arresting pensioners for uttering a profanity in frustration at lack of progress on important issues to council officials that they are procrastinating on.” He explained before adding “These issues are of far higher concern to public safety”.

“We just don’t have the room in the state run hotels anymore to house those who are a bit naughty” added a Government spokesman. “Were only too happy to let some leave early as we need the space so that they can go back to their home towns and they don’t even pay their bills” he added.

Local residents throughout the UK are not surprised by the news. Most say the police have already handed over large parts of the major city centres and housing estates to local militia forces.

London is believed to be controlled by lots of different gangs who are made up of “lots of foreigners” said Mohammed Abdul, a newly arrived resident granted asylum from Libya, whilst rumours are rife that Newcastle has just been taken over by a shady, tough talking well dressed car race fanatic gang known as “The Ant Hill Mob”.

“These organisations have far greater numbers and better access to firearms than our local police force,” says Commissioner Bottledit. “Their income from drug dealing, prostituion, trafficking and other traditional rackets is far superior to our limited government funding. What's more their paperwork is non-existent so they can spend more time out on the streets.”

Police refuse to admit that their efforts to bring law and order to the streets of the UK have been a failure, although conceded that their job was not made any easier by the fact that all the law-abiding young males have left the country. A spokeswoman said “Apparently they all joined the army and got sent to Afghanistan. And you’ve got the Government to thank for that too”

As told to Andy Baxter

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