Wednesday, 11 November 2009

EU unveils early release scheme for “good conduct”

The European Union has introduced a scheme which rewards member states for good behaviour by releasing them from the organisation early, in a bid to ease errrr…….....overcrowding.

Sources say “The new rules come into force next year” and could see Austria and Lithuania released from the EU as early as 2016. Ireland may also qualify shortly after because “they only had to be told twice to ‘go to their room’ in the first place” a Brussels spokeswoman said.

France and Germany are livid at the new proposals; a French aide was quoted as saying

“After all we’ve worked for since Napoleon tried to bring us all together over two hundred years ago” he went on to add “maybe it was because he was Corsican so nobody understood the true nature of his good intentions but his vision of a single European Empire was way ahead of its time”

Sources within the German government have revealed that

“We fully accept we went about it the wrong way last time, I mean to say on our last continental tour we should never have tried to include Russia in our plans for European integration 70 years ago, but we know better now”

Commission president Jose Manuel Barroso had the last word and insisted that there was little sign that the United Kingdom would be released early.

“Britain has been one of our most troublesome inmates,” he declared. “How can you reason with people who drink the wrong type of beer, still use money with the picture of a Queen on it and drive on the wrong side of the road!” he went on to add “you have to either invade, the Italians managed it once a very very long time ago, but gave up on reaching Scotland, the French were a little more successful a little over 1,000 years later, but the last two attempts would have been successful but for the unpredictable weather over the Channel, so instead we duped them into signing themselves in”

His final comment showed how tough a stance the EU takes on troublesome inmates:

“The UK has shown no understanding of why it’s been ‘banged up’ in Europe in the first place and has never apologised for its actions, so it will probably not be eligible for the early release scheme, for a very very long time……..if ever.”

As told to Andy Baxter

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