Bonfire Night, what really happened

The bonfire set up at the UK treasury to celebrate Guy Fawkes Night, could burn for weeks if not months, insiders have revealed. The BBQ party, held in the basement, is a traditionally festive occasion with lots of Punch and Judy going on and massive fireworks when Gordon Brown gets told he can’t have another sparkler……

“It’s wonderful isn’t it,” said Chancellor Alistair Darling, basking in the warm glow of the fire, “we’ve been scooping up lots and lots of cash in preparation all year about £150 Billions so far and were supposed to burn it all in one go. Then Mervyn turns up with another £50 billion from his “quantitative easing” piggy bank, in hundreds of wheelbarrows and now it’ll probably keep going till Christmas. Weyhey”

But keeping the cheery atmosphere going is likely be hard unless the right measures are taken in the medium to long term, the Chancellor warned. “We’ve run out of toffee apples already – Hey Mervyn, I don’t suppose you’ve got any more cash?”

Meanwhile over on the continent Europeans took to the streets in celebration after foiling a daring subversive plot by the Conservative Party to “ask back for what was ours” from the European Parliament. On the night of November 5th a man was discovered in a cellar underneath the European Parliament drafting a carefully-worded letter by candlelight to the Council of Ministers tentatively asking if it would possibly be “all right” if Westminster might have some of its powers back, as long as “they didn’t mind”.

Soon afterwards effigies of David Cameron were being burnt and fireworks set off in a collective outpouring of relief that the Tory conspiracy had been discovered so soon, giving the 26 EU member heads of states precious time to compose themselves and prepare a suitably diplomatic two word response.

“Non” and “Nein”.