Pub regulars inadvertently put world to rights

A group of drinking friends were hailed as heroes this morning after providing solutions to all the world’s major problems during the course of a routine night out in Darlington.


Pub “Twenty Two” regulars unwittingly formulated a manifesto for a vastly improved world in what was scheduled for a 20-minute “swift one just after work” but which lasted until last orders and turning-out time, but they didn’t discover the effect of their far-reaching solutions until the following morning.

“To be honest, we’re as surprised as everyone else,” confessed a modest Simon Edwards today. “Things didn’t seem quite right when I woke without a headache, but when I turned on the TV and saw the Israelis and Palestinians holding hands on the streets of Jerusalem, I clocked that something was up.”

Pub regular Dave Liddle was equally bemused. “I’ve been woken early by the postman before,” he said, “but never with a telegram from the UN saying ‘Thanks for sorting everything out’.”

In addition to solving the conflicts in the Middle East and much of Africa, the friends also identified major new sources of renewable energy, restored confidence in the global economy, ended the recession, introduced democracy to China, Zimbabwe and North Korea, solved the proliferation of Iran’s nuclear programme and worked out the best living conditions for polar bears since the end of the last glacial period. But the pub regulars were at a loss to explain exactly how they had righted the world’s wrongs. “I remember one of the lads saying ‘Yeah, definitely, that’s what they oughta do.’ ” Said pub stalwart Trevor Wright. “And everyone else saying, ‘Yeah but will they take any notice of us?’ But lo and behold; they did…”

“One of the lads had some strong feelings ideas about corporate responsibility,” recalled another of the regular drinkers Andy Baxter, “and a couple of the girls thought everything would be better if people simply tried a bit harder to get along better, but I’d never have guessed we’d hit the nail right on the head. I suppose the eighth pint probably had a key role to play in the formulation of complex resolutions to seemingly intractable problems.” He went on to add.

The friends said that they now wanted to be left to get on with their lives and were hopeful of some boom years ahead for the town’s manufacturing sector and “a strong challenge by Mowden Park RFC for next season’s promotion title”.


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